Item from the Smart Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics Collection

Holy Matrimony
In Era of Divorce, Mormon Temple Weddings Are Built to Last
By WILLIAM LOBDELL
LA TImes
Saturday, April 8, 2000
For those headed to the altar this summer, the 1999 marital statistics for
Orange County are sobering: 19,758 marriages, 12,156 divorces.

And if you're a religious person, things don't get better. In fact, for
born-again Christians, the divorce rate is higher (27% of all adults) than
it is for non-Christians (24%), according to a recent survey by the Barna
Research Group.

The picture isn't rosier for other Christians or Jews. The survey showed
their divorce rates about the same as the national average.

There is a ray of marital hope, however. And that comes from the Church of
Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--specifically, from those Mormons who
marry in a temple. While other Mormons divorce at the usual rate, only 6%
of
those who undergo the demanding temple marriage break up, according to
Brigham Young University professor Daniel K. Judd.

It's not just a question of where the marriage takes place. The low
divorce
rate, many Mormons say, stems both from church requirements for such
marriages and from the character of people who are motivated to meet
them.

How do they do it? Let's count the ways.

1. They date within their faith.
If you date only Mormons, you'll marry a Mormon. And this translates into
a
guarantee of shared background, beliefs and values--or one less thing to
fight about.

"When we get married, we have one goal and one vision: to create a
family,"
said Tustin resident Brian Banner, 24, who will be married today at the
Mormon temple in San Diego (the other Southern California temple is in Los
Angeles). "We believe that it's something God's ordained and not something
you can walk away from. If something's wrong, you need to fix it."

2. They make sure they're committed to their faith.

The wedding day isn't the last time Mormon couples see the inside of the
temple. As part of the marriage pact, each couple commits to going to
services regularly, visiting the temple, tithing and following the
church's
strict rules.

"That's probably the biggest thing [to successful marriages]," said
Richard
Fuller, president of the Mormon Church's Newport Coast Branch. "That's
such
a bond. It's very unifying."

3. They get their lives squared away before marriage.

To be married in the temple--which Mormons believe is holy ground--you
need
to be "worthy." In premarital sessions, a local Mormon leader sits down
with
couples and makes sure they are living by the standards of the church.
They
are tested on such things as their faith, their relationships with their
family, their sexual conduct and their use of drugs, alcohol and tobacco.
If
they fall short, they can repent, change the behavior and still be married
in the temple.

This serves as an early checkpoint for young adult Mormons who may have
gotten off course.

"That's my job," said Fuller, who specializes in counseling young adults.
"I
bring people back into the fold. It's the lost-sheep concept. And they
understand that if they don't get their life in order, they can't be
married
in the temple."

4. They make the wedding ceremony sacred.

You'll find no bridesmaids, best men or wedding cakes at a temple
marriage.
It's a small ceremony with close family and friends, all who have to be in
good standing with the church to attend. The bride and groom--both dressed
simply in white--kneel at an altar in the center of a room, hold hands,
exchange vows and receive blessings from an "officiator," who then seals
the
marriage for eternity.

"It's a very sacred experience, a very emotional experience, a very moving
experience," Fuller said. "It's not a spectacle."

Mormons who marry in the temple may hold "ring ceremonies" later for other
family and friends, along with more traditional receptions.

5. "Until death do you part" isn't enough. They marry for eternity.

When a temple marriage is sealed, that means the husband and wife--and
their
family members past and present who are Mormon--will be together forever.
"We would not be married unless it was in the temple," said newlywed
Joshua
Poduska, a UCI junior. "A temple marriage allows the union to be
eternal."

6. They believe the family that prays together stays together.

Mormons are taught to have family prayer time in the morning and evening,
along with a scripture reading sometime during the day.

7. They send their young men on two-year missions, which gets them used to
the stresses and strains of living with someone 24 hours a day, seven
days a
week.

When Poduska went on his mission to Kentucky, he roomed with 20 different
men, he estimates.

"You have to learn to live with someone," Poduska said. "And that really
helped me become a good husband. You learn how to pick your battles."

8. They get help when they have a problem.

When trouble looms, married couples are encouraged to seek the counsel of
their local bishop.

"Sometimes they come in themselves," said Warren Inouye, a Mormon bishop
in
Orange County. "And sometimes they are called in."

There's no marriage police, but Mormons do get monthly home visits from
someone in the church, and if something seems out of whack in the
marriage,
the bishop will be alerted.

9. They believe children create happy, stable marriages.

"Children are important to the marriage because of the joy they bring into
our lives," Fuller said. "It's our belief that that joy will continue
through eternity."

10. They forget about "Monday Night Football" or "Ally McBeal."

Mormon families have what they call "family home evenings," usually on
Mondays. That's when the TV goes off, and the family either tackles a
spiritual lesson or simply plays board games and eats treats.

"If you handled it well," Fuller said, "it's an irreplaceable bonding
experience for the whole family."

The best insight on Mormon temple marriages comes from someone who should
know: 76-year-old Helen Stay, who's been married to Jesse for 57 years.
The
Huntington Beach couple have seven children, 47 grandchildren and 30
great-grandchildren.

"The secret to marriage is you really need to love each other and have the
same ideals," Helen said. "For us, our faith means we'll be mates
forever."

William Lobdell, editor of Times Community News, looks at faith as a
regular
contributor to The Times' Orange County religion page. His e-mail address
is
bill.lobdell@latimes.com <mailto:bill.lobdell@latimes.com>.

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