Item from the Smart Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics Collection
The mystery of why women marry

By Julie Macken

When Ilene Wolcott, senior research fellow at the Australian Institute of
Family Studies, finally finished her report Towards Understanding the
Reasons for Divorce, one question was left hanging.

"It's no longer `why wouldn't a woman get married?' so much as why would
she? The fact that we even ask that tells us how much life has changed
for women and men."

Thirty years ago no-one could have imagined a pill the size of a
peppercorn could have turned society and sexual intimacy upside down. Yet
that's exactly what the safe, and now freely available, contraceptive
pill has done.

Remove that and other forms of fertility control from the pages of
history, and you also remove women's liberation, dual-income families,
women's access to higher education, 50,000 divorces per year and $6
billion those divorces cost the Australian community through costs to the
court, health and social security systems.

Not that the pill is directly responsible for all those divorces, but it
is responsible for making marriage a purely voluntary contract for the
first time in history. Being able to control their own fertility has
given women the opportunity to say no to 20 years of child-rearing,
financial dependency, lack of education and partners who don't pull their
weight. They no longer need to be married for financial security, social
acceptance or to have a child.

According to Towards Understanding the Reasons for Divorce, almost
two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. While a very small
percentage are initiated for reasons of abuse, the bulk are caused by the
far less dramatic situation of drifting apart. Six years after
separation, 83 per cent of women are still pleased with their decision to
divorce, compared with 67 per cent of men.

Nor are women leaving their partners to take up with someone else. Unlike
men, women stay on their own for a number of years before becoming
involved in another long-term relationship. During this time their mental
and physical health improves, despite the fact that their financial
situation invariably deteriorates.

Not so for men.Widowed, separated or divorced men are likely to die up to
10 years before their married counterparts. After divorce their mental
and physical health will deteriorate, in part due to taking up high-risk
behaviour such as heavy drinking and/or drug taking.

Given this trend, it's not surprising to find that men are more inclined
to go from one long-term relationship to another with little or no time
between the two.

According to Professor Bob Montgomery, head of psychology at Bond
University, there is no doubt that marriage favours the well-being of men
over women.

"Marriage is good for men and not so good for women," he says.

"And the more a man buys into masculine stereotypes, the worse it will be
for his wife, because this kind of relationship puts a huge amount of
strain on women. As she's the one feeling the stress, it's not surprising
that she's the one to say 'enough'."

However, saying 'enough' comes only after women have tried to find ways
to make the marriage work, by accessing counselling services and support
from friends and family.

Montgomery sees two main reasons for this.

"The first is that a lot of women come into relationship counselling
looking for an authority figure to give her 'permission' to leave.

"And secondly, women pay more attention to what's going on in the
marriage and within themselves - so when things start to go bad, they
notice. I can't tell you the number of times I've heard men say: 'But our
marriage is no better or worse than anyone else's.' They look to the
outside world to measure their own relationship because they're still not
very well equipped emotionally, and that's a big problem."

For all the grief involved in any divorce, Montgomery believes the
formula for a happy, nurturing relationship is simple: five good times
for every lousy one,

"If everything is basically good most of the time, a marriage can absorb
the shocks and problems that are part of everyone's life - especially if
both [partners] are able to put out the soothing response of humour when
these crises emerge," he says.

This is one reason that the first bit of "homework" a couple is likely to
be given in relationship counselling is to arrange a date with each other
at least once a fortnight. However they want to spend it, time set aside
for fun is a vital ingredient in any long-term relationship.

And there's the rub. While only 3 per cent of participants in Towards
Understanding the Reasons for Divorce cited work/time pressure as the
reason for their divorce, 48 per cent cited communication problems and
drifting apart as the major cause of their breakdown and another 20 per
cent pointed to infidelity.

According to Montgomery, there is a causal relationship between them.

"Marriage is under enormous pressure from time and work demands," he says.

"This has two major impacts. The first is that a relationship needs time
to grow and stay alive - not just quality time, but also quantities of
time. The second problem is that the workplace and workmates often get
the best a person has to offer. With work creaming off the best and most
time in both the husbands' and wives' lives, it's not surprising that
affairs so often originate in the workplace."

If Australian Bureau of Statistics figures are anything to go by, the
decline of marriage is getting worse rather than better. In 1986 the
divorce rate per 1,000 was 10.7, but by 1996 it had climbed to 12.9.

Further, of those 35 or under, 45 per cent of women and 44 per cent of
men are not expected to marry at all.

Of course, marriage is just one of a number of relationship choices
available. Unfortunately, the statistical information on de facto
arrangements is more erratic.

Nonetheless, the number of people choosing to marry is falling, as is the
number of women willing to live within its orbit - a situation that is
profoundly personal yet has far-reaching political ramifications, the
first of which is a declining fertility rate.

Women have children when it is safe to do so. Traditionally, "safe" meant
when there was food and shelter, and the security and strength provided
by a cohesive community. Strong relationships with her partner and her
partner's extended family were vital for a woman's security.

For a whole host of reasons, the late 1990s is not a safe time to be
having children.

In the early 1960s, when marriage was at its peak and women and men got
married in their late teens and early 20s, women could expect to have 3.8
children, and most of these children would survive infancy and grow to
maturity. With the replacement rate being 2.1, this level of fertility
ensured strong growth in the population, independently of immigration.

By 1998, the median age for women at first marriage was almost 26. The
median age for women at their first birth was almost 29. In 1998, the
fertility rate had fallen to 1.65 in the cities and 1.8 in rural
Australia.

No-one expects that rate to do anything other than fall. While there are
a number of reasons for this decline, not the least of which is women's
capacity to control their fertility, the fragility of contemporary
marriage has a pivotal role.

"There's an absolute correlation between the rising levels of divorce,
declining numbers of marriage and our declining fertility rate," says Dr
Peter McDonald of the Australian National University.

"We can live with the current level of fertility, but the real crisis
comes when you realise that it's continuing to fall and nothing will stop
the decline. To do that, we would have to put real financial resources
behind families, undergo a societal revolution and become a country that
values children.

"That's not going to happen. There's no doubt that when women have to
choose between having more children and having a job, they choose the
job. There's a real possibility that they make this decision knowing that
there's a 40 per cent chance their marriage won't last."

Obviously being the single parent of one child is a lot easier and more
financially manageable than being the single parent of two or three.

However, McDonald believes that the resources necessary to increase
fertility are the same resources needed to reverse the decline in
marriage and the increase in divorce. "It's not just a question of money;
it's a question of attitude.

"Unfortunately, the worst offender is the workplace. Long hours, high
stress and insecurity are not just a bad combination for child-rearing,
it's also a bad combination for relationships.

"Australia is fast approaching a critical time when we must stop and ask
ourselves if we like the society we've created. Right now it's not a good
place for children or marriages."

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