Item from the Smart
Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics
Collection
November 17, 1998
Divorce rate inspires some couples to try harder
By Paula Gray Hunker
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
When couples who are now celebrating their golden anniversary walked down
the aisle, they
made their vows in an Ozzie and Harriet world. Raised when divorce was rare
and scandalous,
those married in the late 1940s could not envision the coming social revolution
that would leave their offspring with just a 50-percent chance of making
a lasting union.
"It's true that children of divorced parents are more likely themselves
to divorce," says Scott Stanley, researcher on marriage and co-director
of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.
"It's not that they don't want a lasting, happy marriage. But they
bring the baggage of a conflict-resolution deficit into their own marriage."
Mr. Stanley, together with Howard Markman, has pioneered a communication
skills course for
couples based on 20 years of research. He says there is both good news and
bad news about the
communications problems of children who grow up with divorced parents.
The bad news is that "people who've seen their parents' unsuccessful
conflict tend to be more
pessimistic about their own odds," Mr. Stanley says. "They may
be more likely to bail out when conflict inevitably comes."
But "people really want a lifelong partner," he says, and those
who have lived through a parental divorce "may be more likely to work
on the relationship when it needs work."
Sticking it out in an unhappy marriage just to avoid divorce is not a good
decision, either, Mr. Stanley says. "This leads to despair and an unhealthy
grieving. It's important that couples not give up. The solution is to move
into a dynamic rather than a static relationship. Go for the long term.
Work on commitment and conflict resolution."
A childhood filled with her parents' fights and unhappiness left a deeper
impression on her than their eventual divorce, says Barbara Martin, a resident
of Severna Park, Md. Her parents would have celebrated their golden anniversary
a few years ago.
"I was determined that I wasn't going to spend a lifetime in misery
'for the sake of the children,' " she says, referring to her parents'
decision to remarry each other after an early divorce. Twenty years after
their second marriage -- when their five children were grown --they divorced
again.
She doesn't regret her own divorce and believes that she has been able to
be a better mother to her 17-year-old son than had she remained "trapped
in unhappiness."
Bill Coffin says that a majority of the young people he counsels are aware
that they didn't grow up with good marital models but are therefore even
more "determined to do it right."
As coordinator of Marriage Preparation for the Catholic Archdiocese of Washington
as well as a program specialist in the Navy's Family Advocacy and Support
program, Mr. Coffin says that
couples contemplating marriage today are "more likely to work on their
marriage because they
know firsthand the pain that comes from divorce, and they don't want to
repeat their parents'
mistakes."
The Catholic Church requires engaged couples to go through at least four
months of education
and counseling -- the Washington archdiocese requires six months. Through
this course, couples are given the communication tools to deal with the
inevitable conflict and anger that comes up in most marriages.
"It's unfortunate, but few young people today have a clue about how
to successfully resolve
conflict and make a marriage work. They have a lot of experience in what
doesn't work," Mr.
Coffin says.
Mr. Stanley agrees, but remains hopeful about the institution. Not only
is the divorce rate
continuing to decline from a high of 55 percent in 1980 to a current rate
of about 40 percent, he says, but "in a culture where the meaning of
marriage has eroded, those who are choosing it are making a more careful,
considered choice to invest in it."
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