Item from the Smart
Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics
Collection
January 7, 1999
Successful stepfamilies put kids first
GAYLE VASSAR MELVIN Knight Ridder
WALNUT CREEK, Calif. -- Misha Doig was thrilled to become an instant mom
to Cassie, now
10, and John, now 8, when she married their dad four years ago.
She was less enchanted, however, with the other relationship her new marriage
brought: the one
with Dave Doig's ex-wife, Christine Thatcher.
"We picked up and dropped off the kids at Christine's for a full year
because I couldn't bear to
have her come to my house,'' says Misha Doig as Thatcher listens.
"We were like this when we'd see each other,'' says Thatcher, as both
women demonstrate
forced smiles through clenched teeth.
Today, it's a different story. Thanks to monthly meetings, perseverance
and a determination to
put Cassie and John first, the women have developed a true friendship. Thatcher
even slept over
when Doig hosted Cassie's 10th birthday party this month. "And when
I told my boss, he said,
'I'd never allow that!' adds Thatcher merrily.
Complex relationships
Still, no one is claiming that creating a relationship between biological
mother and stepmother is a
simple matter. After all, both women in the equation have been intimate
with the same man, and
both have relationships with the same children.
"It tugs at the very essence of who we are,'' says marriage, child
and family counselor Karen
Sloma. "The new wife may wonder, 'Will I be good enough?' The former
wife may worry,
'Will I lose my children?' It is a historically feminine cat fight issue.''
It's also an increasingly common issue. One-third of all Americans are members
of stepfamilies,
according to the Stepfamily Association of America.
With the recent release of "Stepmom,'' starring Julia Roberts as the
reluctant stepmother and
Susan Sarandon as the resistant ex-wife, the topic finally has received
the Hollywood treatment.
The movie has been endorsed by the Stepfamily Association for its portrayal
of decent adults
who struggle to put the children's best interests first, despite their own
insecurities and fears.
"There has been a shift in the country in its perceptions of stepfamilies,''
says Emily Visher of
Lafayette, Calif., who founded the national stepfamilies association with
her husband, John.
"The original thinking was that you would never see the person you
divorced without animosity.
Now people have begun to realize what a difference it makes to the children,
and to the adults,
too, if they can cooperate.''
It gets easier
The new stepparent can help by assuring the biological parent that she knows
she can never take
her place, says Visher. And biological parents can help by letting the child
know it's all right to
like the stepmother.
"It is very hard to do initially,'' she admits. "You just have
to realize it is going to get easier over
time.''
While movie moms Roberts and Sarandon work out their differences in a year,
it's not always
that way in real life, says Danville, Calif., therapist Liz Hannigan. "I've
worked in this field for
10 years, and I rarely see it,'' she says.
But it's not impossible, she adds. In fact, Hannigan became close friends
with her own
daughter's stepmom. When the other woman divorced Hannigan's ex-husband
after 10 years
and later married someone else, Hannigan was at the wedding.
"I just realized over time that this woman was not my enemy,'' says
Hannigan. "She was not
trying to take my daughter away from me. She just loved her, and as a result
my daughter has
gained an extended family she wouldn't have had otherwise.''
Business relationship
Not every stepmother or biological mother will become friends, and that's
OK, says therapist
Anthony Carpentieri, who heads up the East Bay Stepfamilies group. Instead,
try for a warm
business relationship, with minimal emotional involvement.
He recommends the book "Mom's House, Dad's House'' by Isolina Ricci,
as "pretty much the
standard'' for stepfamily issues.
At least in the beginning, the biological parents should continue to make
arrangements for the
sharing of the children, says Carpentieri. "It makes much more sense
for the parents to
communicate and not push for a relationship with the new spouse,'' he says.
"Like with
anything involving stepfamilies, you need to take some time with it.''
Unlike a first marriage, where expectations are untainted by loss, the creation
of a stepfamily
exists only because of loss, notes therapist Susan Posner, of Lafayette,
Calif.
It's only natural, then, that there be tension, even sorrow, in the stepmother/biological
mother
relationship, especially at the outset. It's when that tension escalates
into territorial fights over the
children that things get out of hand.
"The parents need to realize they each have a unique relationship with
the child, and they are not
in competition with each other,'' says Posner.
Making trouble
In some cases, the children themselves make trouble between biological and
stepparents, says
Posner. "Children are experts at 'divide and conquer,' she says. "I
am always cautioning people
that if the child tells them their stepparent said something that doesn't
sound right, check it out
with the stepparent.''
Sometimes the parents in either house aren't able to resist badmouthing
their perceived
competition. If that happens, Visher offers this script for parents so the
child won't feel stuck in
the middle: "Say 'We are sorry they feel that way about us, but they
don't live in this house, so
they don't really know what it is like here now.' It doesn't put down the
other household, but it
gives the children the opportunity to understand they can make their own
judgment.''
Working it out
In Doig and Thatcher's case, they were motivated to work together because
they'd each grown
up as children of divorce.
"It was really hard for me at first, to have two families and to be
a stepchild,'' says Doig. "My
parents tried, but it wasn't as collegial as it could have been at first.''
Over the years, however, the adults formed close ties. When Doig's son Justin,
2, was born, her
mother and stepmother were both in the delivery room.
For Thatcher, it was the memory of not seeing her own father after her parents'
divorce that
pushed her to try for something different for her own children.
"I didn't really do it for Misha, but for the kids to have a relationship
with their father,'' says
Thatcher. "But when I saw how much Misha loves them, I realized it
was in all our best interests
to work things out.''
She admits she was intimidated by Misha Doig's college background, and envious
when Doig's
work schedule gave her the time to work in Cassie's and John's classrooms.
"My emotions said
one thing, but I knew that if I gave into them, the children would lose
out,'' she says.
And Misha Doig says she was unsettled by the thought that Christine and
Dave Doig had once
had an intimate relationship. "I had to set the jealousy aside. It's
important not to get caught up in
an imaginary world where there is still a relationship between your husband
and his ex.''
Husband's role
Dave Doig played a key role in easing the friendship between his new wife
and ex-wife.
Sometimes his efforts were rebuffed, like in the beginning when he'd tell
Misha that Christine
was really a good person. But Dave persevered.
"I can't stand it when I see kids divided up between parents,'' he
says. "You can either be mean
to each other and affect the kids in a negative way, or you can be nice
to each other and affect the
kids in a positive way. I wanted the best for our kids.''
As for Christine's husband of two years, Curt Thatcher, the four-way parenting
took some
getting used to. "It's blown me away,'' he says, sitting on the Doigs'
living room floor. "I didn't
think we'd ever get to this point.''
| Smart
Marriages Archive | New Divorce
Statistics and Studies Blog | Older Divorce
Statistics Collection Archive |