Premarital Counseling heads off trouble

Item from the Smart Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics Collectio n

Smart Living
PREMARITAL TALKS HEAD OFF TROUBLE
Doug Carroll, The Arizona Republic

05/09/2000
The Arizona Republic
Final Chaser

Invitations? In the mail.

Flowers? Ordered. They'll be lovely.

Church and reception hall? Reserved and ready.

Premarital counseling? Uh, well, the pastor seems like a nice guy and he
asked
us a couple of questions.

Sad to say, it's gone that way for too many engaged couples over the
years. And
with June weddings approaching, it's not unreasonable even if it is
somewhat
unromantic to pose the most important question of all: How well do you
know this
person you're planning to spend the rest of your life with?

More couples are taking the time in counseling to learn the ropes before
tying
the knot.

Kevin Godycki, 41, and his fiancee, Rosie Stanfield, 32, had been dating
for
more than a year. The Pasadena, Calif., couple were planning a March 25
wedding
and had already paid $1,000 toward the rite and reception.

Then, at the end of January, they took the PREPARE ompatibility inventory
through their church. The PREPARE program, developed at the University of
Minnesota, claims an ability to predict with 80 percent accuracy which
couples
are likely to divorce. Its 165 questions cover several areas, including
the
biggies of communication and conflict resolution.

"It became clear that some of the areas were areas we should resolve
before we
married," says Godycki, who approached Stanfield about postponing the
date until
later in the year. "Rosie was unhappy at first, but two weeks later, she
said
she realized it was the right thing to do."

Godycki's former college classmate, David Helgeson of Scottsdale, said he
was
surprised at the couple's news. But in his practice as a psychologist,
Helgeson
administers PREPARE and said he knows the value of premarital counseling.

"They'll spend thousands on a car that eventually will break down, but
not $200
or $300 on an investment for a lifetime," Helgeson says.

No-fault laws have made it easier to divorce, and the "covenant marriage"
movement allowing divorce only in extreme cases became a response to
that. But
ask anyone who has been through a divorce, and the word "easy" probably
won't
come up. Divorce is often an emotional and financial earthquake, even in
the
least contentious situations.

What's too easy is getting married. In Arizona, all it takes if you're at
least
18 is $50 and a couple of Social Security numbers. There's no waiting
period, no
need to produce a divorce decree from a previous marriage, no
requirement of a
blood test, and no mandatory counseling.

There are indications that it may not always be so simple. Florida is
emphasizing education; a marriage course is now a high-school graduation
requirement, and a couple must take at least a four-hour class or wait
three
days after obtaining a marriage license. Minnesota and other states want
to
discount the cost of the license to those who have undergone counseling.

Critics accuse government of meddling, but Diane Sollee says it's in
government's interest for marriages to succeed "rather than stand
downstream and
prop up single-parent families."

The key is teaching couples the skills to make marriage work.

"Marriage is not a crapshoot," says Sollee, a marriage therapist and
founder of
the Washington, D.C.-based Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples
Education.
"Everybody thinks it's either stick it out and be miserable or get lucky
in
love. But we can become masters of marriage."

More denominations are taking it upon themselves to provide and even
require
counseling. The reason they feel it's their responsibility: Almost 75
percent of
weddings still occur in churches or other houses of worship.

Marriage Savers, a Maryland group dedicated to "preparing, strengthening
and
restoring" marriages, has been working with clergy in a grass-roots
effort aimed
ambitiously at cutting the divorce rate in half by 2010.

In forming a Marriage Savers "community marriage policy," clergy of all
faiths
agree that they will not marry couples lacking significant preparation
typically, four months of counseling or classes. In November, Wisconsin
appropriated $105,000 of federal welfare reform funds toward creating such
policies across the state, although the Freedom From Religion Foundation
has
filed suit, saying that the Marriage Savers movement is explicitly
religious.

Mike McManus, who heads Marriage Savers, says the movement is working.
Divorces
in Modesto, Calif., have decreased by 30 percent since 1986, when Modesto
adopted a community marriage policy. More than 100 cities, including
Yuma, have
adopted such policies since then.

McManus admits that churches traditionally have been little more than
"wedding
factories." Only the Roman Catholic Church, with its history of extensive
premarital preparation, has consistently done it right, he says.

Marriage Savers also relies on mentor couples within a church to help
sinking
unions get back on course.

"People who have good marriages are the logical people to give this
responsibility to," McManus says.

Clearly, the key to avoiding another Generation Ex is prevention. Some
use a
medical analogy, saying that good health should emphasize diet and
exercise
first and employ surgery only as a last resort.

Warning signs are everywhere for couples who don't do the work, both
before and
during a marriage.

"One of the themes of the movie American Beauty was what happens when you
don't
work on a relationship," says Lolly Pisoni, a counselor at Community
Church of
Joy in Glendale.

Pisoni conducts a seminar for engaged couples four times a year at the
church.
She talks about key areas such as expectations, vision, communication,
conflict
resolution, finances and the meaning of commitment.

"Two half-people don't make a whole, healthy marriage," she says. "It's
more
than finding the right person it's becoming the right person."

That's what Godycki and his fiancee are working on.

"Counselors say a lot of people come to this realization a year into the
marriage," Godycki says. "I feel fortunate we're able to do this prior to
marriage. We'll be more understanding of each other."

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