Item from the Smart Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics Collection
A Pastor's View of Mentoring
by Rev. Jeffrey Meyers
Christ Lutheran Church
Overland Park, Kansas

What does the typical couple look like that enters the pastor's
study for marriage? As a pastor I shudder when I stop and ponder the
answer
to the question. The typical couple is already sexually active. Most
likely they are living together or at least planning on living together
before they get married. They will cite economic reasons for living
together. They may cite convenience as another reason. Many will live
together to see if they are sexually compatible but will never tell thef
pastor that.

This typical couple will bring at least one divorce into this
marriage relationship. They probably began dating before the ink dried on
the divorce decree. This typical couple will bring at least one child
from
at least one other relationship. Half of the children that go through one
divorce will face another before they reach the age of 18.

This typical couple will come into the pastor's office convinced
that they are in love and have learned from their previous mistakes. They
are convinced that they share a spiritual relationship where God has
brought them together. After all, anything that feels this good must have
God's blessing.

Most pastors face this scenario repeatedly every year. "What can
I
do?" many of us ask. "Do I encourage them to marry quickly to make it
"right?" Honestly, since when does a wedding solve a sin problem? But the
time constraints of a busy ministry schedule make it very difficult to
give
the attention and guidance that most couples need as they prepare for
marriage. Some pastors will wisely administer a relationship inventory and
walk the couple through the results. This is good, but can more be done?
Who follows up after the wedding when so many troubles begin within the
first year of marriage?

Perhaps the biggest tragedy is that most churches and pastors
choose to do nothing. By doing nothing this typical couple will be
divorced within five years. The children of this and previous unions will
face another family breakup. Failure in marriage, another broken family
and
more parental desertion will cut deep scars of insecurity, loss, anger and
a shattered identity in the lives of these children.

Yet sitting in the pews and chairs of our churches are strong,
committed and capable couples who have been married three or four
decades.
Before our eyes Sunday after Sunday are couples who have learned the
secrets of building a fulfilling marriage. These couples are waiting
to be asked to help.

When I realized the potential of the securely married couples in
my
congregation, I recruited them, trained them to administer an inventory,
and equipped them to meet with another couple through the first year of
marriage. It took some time. A weekend training and some monthly meetings.
But I soon realized that there were couples willing to lead a team of
mentor couples. So really, after the first three couples were trained we
formed a marriage preparation team. The engaged couple was referred to
this
team and I met with the engaged couple once or twice as the wedding
approached.

What happened was amazing. First of all, my workload diminished
after the first mentor team was trained. Second, we began to do a much
more thorough job in preparing couples. Third, couples were involved in
hands-on ministry. In the mentoring process we were adding value to
marriage as a congregation. More people were involved in making marriages
succeed.

Then my mentor couples began to report what a difference mentoring
was making in their lives. This was a ministry they could do together.
Mentoring pulled their families together around a meaningful service to
others. So much of what they do in church sends the family in splintered
directions, and mentoring pulls them together. The couples that they
mentored began to talk about being mentored as a transforming experience.
These couples felt prepared for marriage and secure in their decision to
marry. I also noticed that the number of those choosing not to marry
increased.

Now when a couple comes into my study something has changed. Sure
the same typical couples come through my door, but what we do has changed.
Now I have a new confidence, secure in what a team of mentor couples can
do
to help them build a lifelong marriage. I know that when this couple
walks
down the aisle and they share vows together, they will look at each other
with confidence having learned from a success story.

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