The Six Stages of Marriage

Item from the Smart Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics Collectio n

Toronto Sun Tuesday, November 23, 1999

Marriage has six stages

Here's what to expect, from 'I do' to 'Is that still you?'

By ELAINE MOYLE --

Welcome to the marriage midway.

>From the romantic tunnel of love to the bumpy trauma of the roller
coaster, matrimony sends its passengers on an unsteady ride.

But it's a predictable course, says therapist Sylvia Weishaus, who has
mapped out the stages of a typical marriage.

>From newlywed bliss to reconciling feelings of mortality in the golden
years, she plots the route with road side warnings.

Stage One -- Blinded by Love: It's the fairytale we all dream about.
Lives are devotedly entwined as you revel in the euphoric state of
romantic love. Dubbed the "starry-eyed effect" by marriage therapists,
it's a blissful oasis in the desert of life.

"Enjoy it, revel in it and appreciate it" because, sadly, the
intoxication only lasts a few months, warns Weishaus. As infatuation
fades, "friendship becomes critical." Marriage education classes are very
useful in paving the way to transition.

Stage Two -- The Honeymoon's Over: The facade of your mate's "perfect"
demeanour is likely to crack after the first post-nuptial fight. It's a
devastating experience, says Weishaus. As his or her flaws bubble to the
surface, you face the harsh discovery that your partner is human after
all.

Another facet of this stage? Learning to blend behaviour patterns such as
sleeping habits, tidiness, diet and punctuality.

Phrase requests in a non-threatening way.

Stage Three -- The Double Whammy (Confusion/Kids): It's a lethal
combination. Couples face the trauma of "the four-year itch" -- it was
previously pegged at seven -- at a time when many are opting to start a
family.

Effective communication is the key to scratching the itch phenomenon,
says Weishaus. Side-step conflict and blame.

Parenting demands place a tremendous strain on even the healthiest
marriage, especially in an era of working couples.

"Work to keep the romance alive," Weishaus urges. "Make time for each
other and go out together. Plan little surprises."

Alleviate stress by divvying up child-rearing skills equitably.

Stage Four -- "Honey, I'm Back": The kids are gone. Efforts to fan the
flames during the previous tumultuous years pay off now as you bask in
the playful, "couple" pleasures you once shared. Hopefully, intimacy has
been consciously woven into your relationship.

If you haven't remained connected, you may find yourself living with a
stranger, questioning your future together.

Some couples find themselves at career crossroads during this stage of
marriage, Weishaus warns. "He's contemplating retirement while she wants
to re-focus on her career."

Stage Five -- Hanging up the Spurs: Retirement paves the way for a
carefree lifestyle with time for travel and leisure activities.

"This is a stage of major adjustment," says Weishaus. "It's vital to
establish a balance of individual and shared interests."

Money problems can squelch the dawning of the golden years, so spend time
investing and planning your future.

Stage Six: Aging Gracefully: Accepting your mate's flaws and virtues is
the key to an enduring marriage, Weishaus concludes.

"Fortunately, by the time most couples get to their 80s, the process is
well completed," she says. "If it isn't, splitting up remains an option,
or living apart but within close proximity."

Grappling with unresolved marital issues while reconciling feelings of
mortality can create anxiety and despair.

"Focus on your partner's positive traits and accept that neither one of
you is perfect."
____________
'IT HAS BEEN A FUN 41 YEARS' Relaxation hardly factors into the
retirement equation of Marian and David McPherson.

The Forest Hill couple is flourishing in a lifestyle that blends shared
and individual activities, a key component of therapist Sylvia Weishaus's
successful marriage prescription. Sports, volunteer work, travel and
family commitments fill their days.

"It has been a fun 41 years," says Marian, 67, a teacher turned full-time
homemaker after the birth of three children.

"We were spared a lot of the pressures of today's youngsters," says
David, 70, a retired chartered accountant.

One of the most challenging stretches of marriage straddled stages four
and five, when their resources were stretched between tending to elderly
parents and grown children.

It's a common phenomenon of "the sandwich generation," says Marian, which
has to be "prepared to drop everything" when a call comes from an aging
parent who needs help.

One mother of two, married for 12 years, says the third stage of
matrimony is proving most challenging.

"When you're nurturing children, there's very little left for your
spouse," admits Laura Smith, a 42-year-old Toronto marketing specialist.
"We both feel overwhelmed right now."

| Smart Marriages Archive | New Divorce Statistics and Studies Blog | Older Divorce Statistics Collection Archive |