Marriage is getting a bad rap

Item from the Smart Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics Collectio n

LIKE A THIRD-RATE SUMMER MOVIE, MARRIAGE HAS BEEN GETTING A BAD RAP LATELY
Greensboro News & Record

Family values rhetoric usually is about as empty and platitudinous as
"Just
say no." But recent pronouncements about the demise of marriage deserve
serious discussion.

First a disclaimer: I am divorced, so I am hardly an expert on matrimony.
But I do believe in the institution. And I believe in its necessity as the
cornerstone of a strong society.

You probably have read the bad news already. Lots of Americans are getting
divorced and fewer are getting married. According to the National Marriage
Project, the U.S. marriage rate has hit a 40-year low, declining more than
43 percent from 1960 to 1996.

Some other alarming numbers:

Those of us who are getting married aren't having a particularly good
time.

In the early '70s, 53 percent of people in their first marriages said they
were "very happy." In 1996, only 37.8 percent were.

Only 30 percent of high school senior girls say they will have happier
lives if they get married vs. staying single or living with a man
unmarried.

Fifty-three percent of high school girls say that having a child while
unmarried is a "worthwhile lifestyle."

North Carolina averages 101 divorces a day. Closer to home in Guilford
County, divorces have declined slightly, dropping from 2,228 in 1993 to
2,029 in 1997. But according to the N.C. Child Advocacy Institute,
Guilford's County's divorce rate exceeds the state average.

As for the young people who fear marriage, most cite a desire to avoid
unhappiness. Many, in fact, are children of divorce who want to steer
clear
of the pain and unpleasantness of their parents' crumbling marriages.
"Who'd want to go through all that?" they wonder. Like a lousy movie,
marriage is getting bad word of mouth.

What to do? Many experts suggest more premarital counseling.
Traditionally,
counseling comes when marriages are in trouble but Diane Sollee, founder
and director of the Washington, D.C.-based Coalition for Marriage, Family
and Couples Education, says couples need to fully understand the
responsibilities of marriage beforehand.

"We think of marriage counseling in terms of therapy," Sollee recently
told
The Washington Post. "But we realize that we can teach skills to people to
make their marriages strong. What distinguishes marriages that go the
distance and those that end in divorce (are) certain behaviors."

Indeed, it's a lot harder to buy a house than it is to get married.
Marriage is much more of a disposable commodity these days: We get a
little
bored; we get a little upset; we get gone. Marriage is like TV to somebody
with a remote control and premium cable. Click, click.

In response to the wobbly state of matrimony, two states, Louisiana and
Florida, offer the option of "covenant marriages," which mandate a
stronger
commitment. If you choose a covenant marriage in either place, counseling
is required and divorces are much harder to obtain.

In addition, Florida requires by law that marriage skills be taught in all
high schools and even will provide a discount on marriage licenses to
couples that elect to take marriage education courses.

According to the Heritage Foundation, the consequences of failed marriages
involve much more than emotional damage. Divorce increases the likelihood
of poverty among parents. Three-quarters of female welfare recipients got
there after their marriages or long-term, live-in relationships ended.
Divorce significantly reduces long-term earning power. And it
substantially
increases the dropout rate among school children.

This, of course, is not to say that divorced people and other singles are
ruining America. Divorce sometimes is unavoidable. Further, divorcees and
singles obviously can - and frequently do - play positive roles in their
own families and others. In fact, many are members of extended families,
being mentors and role models and providing support for close friends and
relatives. They are uncles, aunts and grandparents.

Seriously, some of my best friends are single.

"Around the Coalition" shares information on marriage and divorce and on
skills-based educational approaches. Opinions expressed are not
necessarily shared by members of the Coalition.

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