Item from the Smart
Marriages Archive, reproduced in the Divorce Statistics
Collection
Title: Fathers Count and Marriage Matters
Date: June 13, 2000
Sunday is Fathers' Day. All across America, men will awaken to the
smell
of burned eggs and toast lovingly prepared by the small hands of their
children. Later, when presented with a not-so-perfectly wrapped oblong
box,
they will pretend they cannot tell a tie lies inside. Lots of hugs and
kisses will be passed around. That night, these men will go to sleep
comforted by the knowledge that although they may not be wealthy, they
are
rich indeed. That is what Fathers' Day is all about.
At least that's what Fathers' Day used to be about. As we enter the
21st
century, in far too many homes Fathers' Day has become less a celebration
and
more a day of mourning. Mourning for the passing of the American Father.
For on this first Fathers' Day of the new millennium, nearly 25 million
children will wake up in a home in which their father does not live.
To be sure, there are some who seem to rejoice in the increasing
disappearance of fathers. Last year, the American Psychological
Association
published an article entitled "Deconstructing the Essential Father,"
ridiculing those who dare assert that fathers make unique and
irreplaceable
contributions to the well-being of children. Moreover, radical feminists
trumpet the demise of in-the-home fatherhood as a victory for the
independence of the modern woman.
Some victory. Children who grow up absent their fathers are five
times
more likely to be poor, two to three times more likely to fail at school,
and
two to three times more likely to suffer from an emotional or behavioral
problem. As teenagers, fatherless children are more likely to commit
crime,
engage in early and promiscuous sexual activity, and to commit suicide.
Welcome to the brave new world where the desires of adults increasingly
trump
the needs of children.
Some optimistically point to public opinion surveys indicating
increasing
percentages of Americans believe that fathers matter. Indeed, a recent
Gallup poll indicates nearly eight in 10 Americans agree "the most
significant family or social problem facing America is the physical
absence
of the father from the home."
Hidden behind this good news, however, is a continuing and deep
reluctance to embrace the idea that it is not just fathers that matter,
but
marriage as well. But marriage is just a piece of paper, isn't it?
Well, no. Unmarried fathers are far less likely to be living with
their
children than married fathers. When fathers do not live with their
children
they tend to grow disconnected from their children. Indeed, forty
percent of
children who do not live with their fathers have not seen their fathers
--
not for a single second -- in over a year. Half of the children who do
not
live with their fathers have never stepped foot -- not even once -- in
their
fathers' home.
But, modernists assert, if the child's father isn't around, we can
always
find a nearby guy willing to be that child's "male role model."
He'll
do,
won't he?
Again, no. Somehow Nearby Guys' Day doesn't have the same ring to it
as
Fathers' Day. The fact is nearby guys do not hold the same place in
children's hearts as fathers do. Nor should we expect they ever will.
What children want, need and deserve is not some nearby guy who comes
around once in a while, but a father they can count on. A father who is
there for them day in and day out. A father who loves them, encourages
them,
and disciplines them when necessary. A father who loves and supports
their
mother.
This does not mean we should not support non-custodial fathers in
their
efforts to get and stay engaged in the lives of their children. Of
course we
should. We do not have a father to spare. And every child deserves a
relationship with his or her father.
But while assisting non-custodial fathers, we must at the same time
not
flinch from the notion of married fatherhood as the ideal. For if given
a
choice, most children would choose an in-the-home, love-their-mother
father
over any other kind. And they would be better off for it.
Fortunately, it is not too late to turn around this sad state of
affairs.
Indeed, as we enter the 21st century there is a new social movement
emerging
in the land -- a fatherhood movement. Earlier this month, over 500
representatives of this new movement gathered in Washington, D.C., at the
National Fatherhood Initiative's Third National Summit on Fatherhood.
Hundreds more gathered at an international conference on fatherhood in
New
York City.
This social movement is broad-based, bi-partisan, and comprises both
men
and women. Although participants in this movement may disagree on many
things, they are united behind a single idea: For every child, a loving,
involved, responsible father. There is reason to hope this emerging
fatherhood movement will accomplish as many great things in this century
as
the civil rights and women's movements did in the last one.
The good news on this Fathers' Day is that while nearly four in 10
children are living absent their fathers, six in 10 children are living
with
their fathers. We can be thankful in-the-home fathering is still the
norm --
at least for now.
But we can not allow the fact that most children still live with
their
fathers lull us into a false sense of complacency about the status of
fatherhood in America. Not when one million children will experience the
divorce of their parents this year and an additional 1.2 million children
will be fathered out-of-wedlock.
Instead, we must stand firm in our conviction that every child
deserves a
father and that married fatherhood is the ideal toward which all men need
to
strive. If so, perhaps on the last Fathers' Day of the 21st century, the
question on the lips of children will not be "Where's daddy?"
but "How do
you
like your eggs, daddy?"
Dr. Wade F. Horn is President of the National Fatherhood Initiative, a
clinical child psychologist, and co-author of several books on parenting
including the Better Homes and Gardens New Father Book (Meredith, 1998)
and
the Better Homes and Gardens New Teen Book (Meredith, 1999). Send your
question about dads, children or fatherhood to: The National Fatherhood
Initiative, 101 Lake Forest Blvd, Suite 360, Gaithersburg, MD 20877, or
e-mail him at NFI1995@aol.com.
| Smart
Marriages Archive | New Divorce
Statistics and Studies Blog | Older Divorce
Statistics Collection Archive |